People often associate “ministry” with spiritual leaders of religious denominations. One source tells us that “ministry” comes from the Latin “mini-tasks”. Another defines it in general terms as, “The act of ministering to someone.”
“Spirituality” and “Religion” are not always one in the same. There are religious people who may or may not be spiritual. There are spiritual people who may or may not be religious. Some people are nice, religious or not, and some are not so nice, religious or not. Cases in point:
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THE GOOD NEIGHBOR
I have a neighbor who is not religious and does not believe in any organized religions, yet he cheerfully insists on helping mow lawns or snow blowing driveways of his neighbors and absolutely refuses compensation. This man has goodness that comes from his own internal guidance system (IGS). A good thing!
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THE GOSSIP
A woman I know purports to be devout in her religion and religious practices, yet she rarely has a kind word about her acquaintances or fellow church goers–gossips harshly and routinely judges them behind their backs at every opportunity. This lady likely experienced “imitation love”*, rather than “real love”* as a child and perhaps as an adult as well. Some folks devalue others in their own struggle to feel self worth.
*Dr. Greg Baer, MD; Real Love
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THE EXAMPLE
I had a dear friend and co-clinician named Josie. She was devoutly active in her church, yet she never preached at people, and never had an unkind word to say about anyone–always looking for the positives in their situations, and always pointing out people’s good points. When people did things that were questionably or obviously dishonorable, she would always give them the benefit of the doubt. She and her husband frequently volunteered to babysit for our children who adored her. At the age of 41 this lovely person experienced a fatal heart attack one Sunday morning on her way into her church.
There may be those who would say, “See what faith did for her!” Knowing her the way I did, I would not be surprised if her last thoughts were more along the line of: “What better way to be called–so quickly and in the place where I found the most comfort. Thank you.” It would be just like her to have given her God the benefit of the doubt.
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THE RECLINER
I know a man who lives in his bedroom recliner in front of his TV. He stubbornly refuses medical attention for his explosive personality and short attention span that interferes with achieving healthy social relationships. Instead, he resents and judges people and remains codependent with his elderly parent. Here’s a case of a potentially good person who prefers blaming others for his inability to have independent healthy relationships. He will likely reamain bitter, lonely, untrusting and dependent in the absence of knowing how to find “real love”.
Many years ago, and I do mean “many”, when I joined a Religious Order, excited about the prospects of going to one of the order’s missions in Africa, one of the first lessons I was taught was that acting in a sanctimonious (“Holier than Thou,” or “morally superior to others”) manner had nothing to do with being spiritual or religious. Although the Order turned out to be a valuable experience for me on more than one level, life in a cloistered Monastery (here or in Africa) did not turn out to be my calling. From it, however, I realized a greater understanding of theological and litugical thinking, and this helped me to appreciate various aspects of religion as I know it today. Over time I have evolved to a very different spiritual place from back then. Ultimately, I believe I am in a better place of appreciation and understanding of my purpose in life today–part of which is providing support to people where ever they are in their own beliefs. Where I am or am not, remains outside the importance of what support they seek. It’s called “objectivity.” A healthcare provider treats democrats, republicans, independents, Jews, Catholics, Protestants, and others–regardless of the provider’s own affiliation(s). From a Nondenominational perspective, my provision of support is offered in the same manner.
Psychologist and spiritual author, Dr. Wayne Dyer* tells us in one of his many books: “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” How true! I now, more than ever, appreciate his definition of “Nobility.” He states, “Nobility is not about being better than someone else. It’s about being better than you used to be!” In that sense, I strive to become “noble.” I do believe that, in many ways, I work to become better than I used to be, and am grateful for improving along my way. I am believing that compassion, and hopefully understanding, is perhaps my better calling.
*Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, PhD – May 10, 1940 – August 30, 2015
NOTE 8/30/15 It is sad news for people all over the world to learn that Dr. Wayne Dyer died today at the age of 75. He had many lectures scheduled into next year. His family wrote that he never feared death. He contributed so much to the world in his many books and lectures throughout the country. He is greatly missed and his teachings will long benefit us all.
“REVEREND”
The dictionary defines “reverend” as:
a) ADJECTIVE – “used as a title or form of address to members of the clergy.”
b) NOUN – “a member of the clergy.”
Today, my self identification involves a level of humility which precludes feeling really comfortable being called “Rev.” since I neither wish, nor feel I deserve to be revered, nor am I representing other persons or theological scholars who are likely much more deservedly called, “Reverend.” I do, however, believe my years have afforded me with much experience and subsequent degrees of wisdom worthy of sharing. Hence, my book entitled, OMG!…Can wisdom be gleaned from an OLD MAN’s memoirs? a work long encouraged by loved ones, is in the making. I hope it is completed before I am.
Having expressed this, I also understand the reality that persons generally are used to referring to Ministers as “Rev.” Therefore, if one wishes to be formal and refer to me as “Rev. Ron” or if one wishes to be informal and refer to me as “Ron”, I will be fine with whatever you choose and with whichever you’re comfortable using.
CLERICAL COLLARS
These days, people tend to associate the clerical collar (sometimes referred to as the “Roman collar”) with Anglican and Roman clergy. History tells us that “Roman” refers to the style of the collar, not to a particular religion, and that the wearing of the clerical collar originated from our Western Protestant clergy who used to travel by horseback from town to town to officiate or preach at religious services. The practice of wearing the clerical collar was not adopted by the Anglican and Roman Catholic religions until around the 1800’s.
In my research, some Protestant clergy recommend the use of the collar to avoid unnecessary delay in visitations at facilities (hospitals, nursing homes, funeral homes, etc.) where staff quickly, on seeing the collar, understand the purpose of the visit without lengthy explanation or undue concern. In certain cases I will wear the definitive collar, while in other cases I prefer not wearing it.
SUPPORT – SPIRITUAL OR SIMPLY COMPASSIONATE
Probably most of us realize we are in a diverse world where life can go from exciting to traumatic in a heartbeat. Many people have benefited from spiritual, or simply compassionate support at one time or another. I believe it is an honor to have the opportunity to respond to those wanting spiritual or simply compassionate support–and not only to those who suffer from fear, sorrow, unhappiness, or loneliness, but also to those who already experience happiness, peace of mind, joy, and love and look to sustain, expand, or celebrate it.
MY PHILOSOPHY (in part)
As a clinically trained and licensed psychosocial practioner (psychotherapist)–now retired, older, and I hope much wiser than I used to be, I not only reflect with regularity on my strengths toward human goodness (an ongoing work in progress), BUT, I also have learned from my human regrettable mistakes–knowing, now, how I could have done many things better. “Should have” thinking is wasteful energy. “Can do now,” and “going forward,” thinking is perhaps much more useful energy. I’m can assure you I’ve beaten up on myself for regrets, and there are perhaps, still, those who choose to beat up on me for my transgressions. I now work at using my energies to forgive myself for transgressions of the past and to generate productive energies going forward. It is my hope that all persons can and will subscribe to the same efforts–since all persons have transgressed at varying degrees in course of being human.
Being unable to undo or erase our mistakes, with contrite hearts we are left with hoping our errors have been or will be forgiven–both by others and, just as importantly, by ourselves as well. It is not uncommon to hear religious people say they believe their Creator or God has forgiven them–yet they still have difficulty forgiving themselves. I recently attended a Confirmation ceremony and heard a Bishop urge not only his young congregation, but he especially addressed the elders of the congregation, to understand the importance of forgiving themselves—and letting it go –a tall order for many. Many of us have learned the waste of energy in dwelling on our regrets in life that cannot be changed, and the importance of focusing, instead, on the improvements and goodness that have been and still can be achieved. I and other colleagues call it “spiritual alignment.” My prayer for all people, if I were to be asked, would be that we all achieve “spiritual alignment.”
We can also learn immeasurably from both the goodness and regrets of others. We can even learn from those who choose revenge, resentment, disdain, hate, or wishes of ill-will on us or on others, instead of compassion, forgiveness, and what Dr. Greg Baer calls, “Real Love” in his extraordinary book by the same name. This book is a “must read” (in my thinking) as it provides an excellent understanding of how and why most people mistake “imitation love” for “real love,” and never know the difference.
Regretfully, it is all too common for counselors and therapists to practice what is known as “Iatrogenic Therapy.” This is when a patient’s condition worsens as a result of the therapist offering counterproductive (bad) advice or misinterpretations–encouraging or even convincing them to identify themselves as helpless victims of circumstances and encouraging them to adopt and maintain an attitude of “justifiable” anger, resentment, and blame toward others for “making them” feel or behave in certain ways. I once had a secretary who told me, “How can you say that–I learned from my therapist of many years that I have a right and should feel angry!” And how was that perpetual anger working for her? This leaves them feeling they are perpetual victims, as opposed to helping them to develop self confidence and empowerment from their own healthy internal guidance system–ultimately freeing themselves. More about this to come in future pages.
Dr. Baer clearly spells out the manner in which many of us, if not most of us, experienced “imitation” or conditional love by parents who simply didn’t know how else to do it–not blaming the parents (or other adults–teachers, counselors, relatives, neighbors, associates), but helping the reader to understand it was what it was, and how to move on to become healthy loving people–experiencing and giving “real” love–despite prior impacting obstacles that were for real.
I recently found a plaque that now hangs in my foyer. It reads: “We can’t help everyone, but everyone can help someone.” I believe it to be a good starting place each day in my life–perhaps in yours as well. May we all strive to be or become “Noble” by loving, forgiving, well-wishing, and not judging but trying to understand as best we can. Then, the things we look at change. Becoming nonjudgmental is perhaps one of the most common human challenges we face. We–all of us–hear and make judgmental remarks every day in one form or another. We, of course, don’t liken that to such awful things as robbing banks, murdering people, or bearing false witness. Hmmm.
Wouldn’t it be great if all religions and all persons could understand what “real love” is–welcoming and including as opposed to dividing and excluding; loving and forgiving as opposed to judging and condemning in the name of sanctity or justice, setting examples not just preaching examples. I wonder if perhaps among the most profound teachers ever, was one by a well celebrated, if you will, “prophet and teacher” at the very least, to whom many religions pay homage as “Savior” who we’re taught said, “Love one another!” —not, “Love one another–my way only.” I recently drove past a church that had a huge banner that read, “Jesus didn’t reject people–we don’t either. ALL are welcome here!” Nice!
ABOUT LOVING RELATIONSHIPS & PARENTING LOVINGLY
Consider reading the book, REAL LOVE, by Greg Baer, M.D. It could make all the difference! I truly believe his suggestion that most of us come from a history of only experiencing “Imitation Love”, and we struggle in various ways–often dysfunctional ways, to achieve “Real Love” but we just haven’t known how.
In his book, REAL LOVE IN PARENTING, the author offers principles that, to me, are extremely valuable in most* of the chapters.
*While I highly recommend the book, I do so with the priviso that several online critics of the book have suggested that it has an opinionated religious overtone, (“a red flag –particularly in one chapter regarding masturbation”) that persons who do not subscribe to certain religious affiliations would find concerning or perhaps even damaging. Aside from aspects of this chapter, I believe applications of the remaining principles are most valuable.